Mental Demons...

Well, it was always a possibility and this weekend it happened - the dreaded DNF. What happened? Well loads of things were wrong, I felt sick, my feet hurt, my achilles was killing, but hey, all things that could have been sorted out - I just let the race get to me. I think also I wasn't in the right head space for this one either - I really questioned my own desire to finish. I wasn't gearing up the this like a lot of other people - this was their big goal. For me, this wasn't a big goal or even a race I'd considered doing until 2 months beforehand. So really, I don't think my heart was 100% in it, and as a result it showed in my decision to not go past 103kms.

It didn't helped getting lost for around 2 1/2hours. I missed a right turn at around 65kms and shot about 2.5kms downhill on a road, only to realise that I was fooked, so had a nice slog back uphill. Then the cardinal sin, getting lost at the basin. I told myself time and time again to be careful coming in here. The reality is though that having "lost 5kms", I was really flying to make up time. I did a 5.5kms section in 30 mins, which in hindsight was stupid. I blew myself out a bit. I then made the mistake of following a marking, not a sign to the Basin campsite and then proceeded to wander round for over an hour. In total I lost 2 1/2 hours. I was devastated and moral was massively low.

I then left the basin feeling like absolute crap, sickness, dizzyness, delusional... so much so that I actually started to run off-course into the bush until I saw some lights about 50 metres uphill and realise that I'd buggered up. The next leg of 20kms was relatively easy downhill and road and I pretty much got through in just over 4 hours, walking a lot of the way. That made my feet hurt like crazy, and by then I'd chucked in the towel.

I keep thinking about why I did this, and I really think it came down to the desire to finish this race. My ultimate goal is the MDS next year, so this was in the back of my mind too. I wondered if I had carried on, would it have wrecked me physically? Certainly the thought of another 70kms did make me think I would take myself out of training for 2-3 weeks, which at this stage I didn't want. My feet were a bit of a mess, I didn't want to have those few weeks recovering, when really I need to get back on the training wagon in the next 3-4 days.

However it all came down to desire - I simply didn't want this race bad enough, and I think that if I had my time again, I would have probably made the same decision. Will I go back? More than likely, but with a real focus on this race. It seems strange to say it but I have to really be in the right head space for these things and totally focused on it all. For this I wasn't. At Glasshouse I was, I'd targeted it as something I really wanted to do. For this one I wasn't even nervous, which is wrong in my opinion - that tells me that I wasn't that bothered. I'm bothered by my lack of mental focus though, but I'd rather this happened now than in the MDS. They say you always learn from these things too, and I will. I remember Steve Waugh once saying you always learn more from your defeats than your victories and I will on this occasion. I learnt loads from Glasshouse and put that into practice at GNW. Here though, I learnt about desire (or rather lack of it). Looking back I know that I should have entered the 100kms, I entered the 100 miler because other people were doing it, not because I wanted to do it - and that is about desire.

However you must draw positives - it was another ultra under the belt (well 113kms-ish), and 19 hours on my feet. Maybe I'm trying to do too much in preparation for the MDS. The GNW is a massive race, and personally I think that it will be harder than the MDS. Doing 175kms straight through is a huge ask with all that elevation too, and I have the upmost respect for those that do. One of the guys I run with, Andrew put in a huge effort, coming in 6th at 29 hours. He put in what was quite simply an amazing effort and beat some extremely good runners in the process - I have massive respect for him and his desire to do this. Maybe next year I can repeat what he did, but for now I know my place and what I want to achieve. I'm OK with the decision I made. Of course it would have been great to finish the race, but I can't change it now and I will remain focused on my goal of the MDS. Next year my priorities will be different and my goals too. So one to learn from, not dwell on and get on with it.